Finally I get to post a normal, straight “Ask Josh” question. It’s nice to know that I have (allegedly) attractive female readers as well. If you just stumbled upon this blog for the first time and want to know what the fuck this is, or if you really need advice about something in your life check out the “Ask Josh” page.

I’m a straight 22 year old female and I don’t mean to sound conceited or anything but I’m attractive and intelligent, yet I can’t seem to get asked out on any dates. I’m assuming it’s because guys may be intimidated by me. Do you think that’s the case? If so what can I do to seem less intimidating and if not what should I do?

Goddamn it. I really need to get an “upload photo” option added to my “Ask Josh” page. I have a feeling it would make the answer to this question much easier. Though, I don’t think I can make that submit photo situation only accept pictures with boobs present. That’s a million dollar idea right there, someone smart create it, profit off it, and donate exactly $1 million to me. If you can do it by tomorrow morning so I don’t have to go to work that would be great.

On to the matter at hand. This question sounded real familiar to me so I had to do some digging through my mindosphere. Then I remembered an instance where some girl I was talking to online said nearly the exact same thing. Me being the super spy that I am tracked down numerous photos of this girl. Turns out she had the concave boob situation and a glaringly horrendous toucan-like nose. Plus judging from some of her blog posts she doesn’t know the difference between “intelligent” and “downs syndrome”. So chances are that your self perception is the exact opposite of what is fact. Just because your uncle raped you when you were 14 doesn’t mean you’re a catch.

For arguments sake let’s say that you do happen to be amazingly hot and intelligent. First of all, call me. Second of all, you’re probably one of those girls who verbalizes how awesome she is, thinking it impresses people, when in reality it just makes you a complete bitch. The only time it’s alright to talk about how awesome you are is when you’re me.

Either way, I have a few suggestions that can help enhance your love life:

1. Start hanging around junior high schools. I know when I was 13 I would have banged just about anything. The only problem with this is that young girls are complete whores these days so the market may be saturated.

2. Get a boob job. No matter how set you are in this area boobs can never be too big. Your boob skin should be stretched so tight that you can actually see the implants. Now that’s what I call sexy.

3. Become a hooker. What’s better than banging 5-10 dudes a day and getting paid for it? I don’t know because I don’t bang dudes. Sure you could get STD’s or murdered, but at least you’ll die rich and that’s all that really matters.

Tags: Ask Josh, Conceited Whore

For some extremely odd reason I’ve been having these weird flashbacks to junior high/high school lately. I think it started one day when I was talking to a friend about how I was awesome at every sport in school (except baseball, which I played for a season and only hit one ball, it was a foul) but only went out for golf. Team sports always seemed kind of douchey to an awesomely self centered guy like me. Anyways, ever since that mini-flashback it opened up the lame nostalgia flood gates. It did, however, remind me of my favorite thing about school… The whores.

When I moved to a new town, and a new school in 7th grade I didn’t know what expect. It was a tiny town so coming from much bigger town I naturally expected to be the god of that school in a day. I also naturally expected to introduce people to hot new brands like Nike and Tommy Hilfiger, since they’d probably never heard of them before. Much to my surprise I was absolutely correct, besides the name brand clothing thing, turns out they were big everywhere. My very first day of 7th grade in this new school I got asked out by three girls!

It was a big decision between these three girls. There was a super cute and popular one, one that was “alright”, and the last one I could probably get to blow me under the bleachers. So in all reality it was between the super popular one, and the whore-ish one. It was a really tough decision. Should I go for instant popularity or instant sucked off-ness? Being the new guy I decided to take my time to make my decision. It was the perfect “play hard to get” situation. I was trying to play them off each other with the ultimate plan of negotiating for “hand stuff” with the popular girl on the back of the bus. Well, much to my dismay my newness wore off pretty quick and I ended up doing “hand stuff” by myself in the shower that night picturing having all three of them at once. I still think I win.

During my 7th grade year I also had a hot, young agriculture teacher who had an alleged history of banging students. This fucking broad wore short skirts every day and didn’t have so much a desk in front of the class, as she did a table. Every day in class all us boys took turns dropping our pencils on the floor to get an awesome peak at the teachers goods. It was beyond awesome. Now that I look back at this bitch, she reeks of whore. I was even told about a year ago that she knew what we were doing, yet she kept her legs uncrossed! How dare she tease a class of ridiculously horny 7th grade boys like that. If I was strong enough I probably would have raped a bitch back then. I’d probably lay her head down on that giant papercutter and threaten decapitation while I had my way with her. Then I would have sliced her head off because I didn’t know how pregnancy works.

I have a feeling that this next girl I’m going to talk about is in every single class, in every school, across the country. It’s the gigantic whore who started and continued dating 23 year old guys from the time they were in 8th grade, through graduation. It was fucking ridiculous. The only girl any of us guys had a shot with was banging college dudes. It was completely unfair. The only good part about this whore was that she let all the guys grab her boobs whenever we wanted. Every shop class I would get in about 10-15 titty squeezes. They weren’t even that big and/or awesome, but they still helped me bring my own wood to shop class every day. Zing! Oh jesus fuck that joke was terrible.

Then there was the out of town girl who moved in during high school. She moved in during a summer and I didn’t even know about her until she had already banged like three dudes. This girl was fucking insane, but what’s not to love about someone who says they want to have sex with 6 guys, and blow 9 other ones by the time she graduates so it’ll be “69″, which doesn’t make any sense because 6 plus 9 is 15. So she probably meant “6, 9″.  I guess the comma is supposed to represent one of her aborted fetuses. I instantly fell in love. Nothing ever happened with her though because I can’t not make fun of a whore, which means she ended up hating me pretty instantly.

Looking back I realise that it’s really a shame that the alleged whores were never whores with me. Sure I could have taken a ride on a gravel road with two of my friends and some girl who was going to blow us all, but what’s the fun in that? I don’t want to watch cock, or have my cock watched by other dudes under any circumstance. Unless, of course, I’m in an all male video chat room and feeling really lonely, but even then it’s just to hear compliments about how “alright sized” it is. Does that make me gay?

Site news: I just added a feature below each post so you can help circulate my blog via Twitter! If you have a twitter account, click the “T” button below and update your friends about my awesomeness! Also, if you want to help support the site, and help it grow you can now donate your hard earned cash moneys! Steal money from your neighbor, or auction your child if you have to. What will the money be used for? Check it out HERE! Hooray?

Tags: whores